Bullying is a problem that has existed for years. Its ferociousness however has taken it to a new level with the increased violence in movies, on TV – in shows and on the news, in games and in homes under great stress. Clearly, bullying needs to be stopped and clear boundaries need to be implemented for appropriate behavior. A sad state of affairs at the moment is that individual rights are defended to the extreme and schools are, or chose to be, powerless so that the bully gets protected by so many rather than being required to look at the consequences of his or her behavior and paying the necessary price for the choices made. All that being said, another perspective of both the bully and the bullied can be offered recognizing that anything is possible in working with each.
In response to questions about the bully him or herself – A child learns bullying at home. In a home where intimidation is the norm a child learns that to be powerful they need to intimidate – to bully – they need to have power over another. After being on the weaker side of that arrangement they get to be the powerful one by being a bully. These kids are powerful people – born leaders – they just don’t know how to use their power effectively, constructively, since they have never been taught how to so, so they use it destructively.
Because bullies learn this as a way to do relationship they do it in ALL their relationships, at home, at school, and on the streets. Little brothers and sisters as well as younger neighbors are vulnerable as well as weaker classmates. Currently it is the bullying in the classrooms that has the attention of others yet so many other vulnerable kids need help as well. The difficulty can be that when a parent is contacted if they find their own behavior acceptable they may find difficulty in judging their child’s bullying since it makes sense to use intimidation as a natural response to any stimulation. The child will be bullied by the parent for making the parent look bad rather than worked with to find new ways to be constructively powerful.
The child who is bullied is always the child who has limited self-esteem. A bully never picks someone as powerful, or more powerful, than him or herself. They always pick someone who they perceive as having less of a sense of personal power, less self-understanding, and is less skilled in standing up for themselves. A parent needs to work with this bullied young child to create self-esteem, to show them where they succeed or excel, where they are powerful. There are always areas…
This child needs to connect to his uniqueness which defines him in a clear powerful way so that a case of bullying allows him to see that the bully has a problem not him or her. I am not talking just intellectually but to know emotionally and spiritually that this is not about him or her but about the bully. In doing so, the bully moves away if they are not seen as intimidating. If a child is a loner they are more vulnerable even if they have their own strong sense of self but because they don’t feel frightened things can change. Those kids with a strong sense of self, a real connection at home where they know they are loved AND ENJOYED who also have solid friends are far too powerful for a bully.
With younger children parents can go to the school to discuss things yet with middle school and high school students the child needs to learn to feel confident either physically through sports or the marshal arts, or emotionally through close relationships with his or her parents and others. Understanding where they want to go in their lives, what their interests are, or where they belong is a gift that allows them to have a sense of who they are. As a result their self-image is based on their experience not on how someone else sees them. It takes their power back.
