People don’t always say what they feel—but they always act on it – consciously or unconsciously. Even in our “almost” best moments, we can hold back what we really want to say. We can blame it on the moment, on the “other” and even on our tiredness, yet being open and real with compassion and integrity is a rare but much needed gift in all relationships. Yes, at times, when we are being honest with ourselves, we can say,” Now is not the right time.” More times than not, however, it is far more about nerve, audacity, and playing it safe.
When we acknowledge how much power and influence we have in all situations, we can easily recognize that by being open we are calling others to do the same. Most people don’t feel safe enough to fully express dissatisfaction, confusion, or emotional needs. However, when we do, we are telling them it’s OK to do the same. We are making it safe. When we don’t, instead of voicing what they are thinking or feeling, they, whether clients, vendors, co-workers, family, or friends, pull back, disengage, or walk away.
In leadership and client relationships, what’s unspoken often matters more than what’s said. Sensing judgement or restrictions can cause a client to believe they can’t work with us since they can’t be real. They don’t feel certain topics, questions, or opinions are OK so they go where they feel they can be real. Often, they come from a system, from childhood through their work environment, where thoughts and feelings couldn’t be expressed. They look to us to support a change in life and in them. It’s only in really listening that we can discern that fear.
Clients may say “It’s fine,” when they’re actually confused, disappointed, or uncertain. Co-workers might agree to things in meetings but internally feel unheard or dismissed. There is always a price to pay when these are the case. Clients eventually leave, co-workers become less engaged, and personal relationships start to distance physically or emotionally. Ignoring these patterns erodes trust—and the relationship.
If they are frightened to say, as a leader, as one who wants to deepen the connection, it becomes your response-ability to listen and ask deeper questions, mention observations, etc. It’s not about being responsible for fixing anything, That, you cannot do. What can do, however, is ask questions into the experience of what is happening for them. It may simply mean as well to just listen on many levels. In addition to words, tuning into body language, tone, and silence can also build real connection. It is so worth the cost.
Reflective questions and emotional cues allow others to open up authentically and safely.
- Trust increases.
- Communication becomes clearer.
- Misunderstandings decrease. And,
- Retention—both in clients and team—goes up.
The most successful leaders aren’t the ones with all the answers.
They’re the ones who ask the deeper questions—and can listen to what’s not being said. Is there a place in your world where you are hearing the words but missing the meaning? If so, what deeper truth is asking to be heard?
