The deepest human need is to be seen, heard, and understood.
I spent the past weekend at an extraordinary TEDx event in Wilmington, DE. One of the messages I teach, and heard repeatedly shared at this event, was that each one of us has a purpose in life. Each of us has that “thing” that allows us to feel that we are exactly where we are meant to be. To be seen in that place, to be understood, is not only validating, it is immensely affirming and gives us even greater permission to pursue that ever-unfolding purpose and vision.
On a personal level, it allows friendships and intimate relationships to flourish. It deepens the safety, connection, and intimacy and consequently the longevity of the relationships. On a professional level, the discussion moved to the realization that people don’t just leave bad jobs or service providers without cause—they leave when they don’t feel understood, when they don’t feel seen.
Previously, I’d heard so much about the younger generation not staying at any employment for more than a few years being shared as a negative thing. As something wrong with that generation. However, as I listened, and saw it through different eyes, I saw that leaders and brands often think it’s about price, benefits, or features—but it’s deeper. There are very different expectations. Expectations we need to learn about. When we miss the emotional and psychological needs of others, trust erodes and why should they stay? If they are not seen, what are the chances they will be given the opportunity to grow and learn?
Consequently, in business terms, there is an ROI in supporting all employees, vendors, and customers, in feeling seen. It’s more than emotional fluff- or soft skills as the term has been used in the past 10 years or more – it’s a strategic advantage.
Companies that prioritize emotional intelligence, employee development, and servant leadership, report higher client retention as well as employee satisfaction and engagement. Any coach in business long enough, can share with you a client who just didn’t click because the values and need to be seen were not met. It’s not always an easy thing to do. At times, even they don’t know what they want so meeting them there is an impossibility.
However, clients return when they feel remembered, valued, and “gotten.” I’ve had more than one client stay with me for a series of contracts because not only did I see them, but as a result I could also support them in changing their relationships, both professionally and personally because I saw what they were doing that was so self-destructive. As a team, we were able to create a safety that supported transparency, honesty, and a willingness to grow – without judgement. The psychological safety fueled innovation in approach, transformation, and long-term commitment. It was a game changer.
In working with clients and their teams, I have occasionally seen a complete lack of understanding in expectations, cost, and advancement, as well as in communication and, sadly, the consequences of that. Whether initiated by my client or by an employee, or 1099, unexpected turnover happened, client ghosting took place, and the miscommunication created hurt and defiance as well as resistance. Because differences in expectations or payments were not discussed, leaders as well as team members misread the silence as an unwritten agreement when in fact there were two parallel tracks taking place and once all the work was put in and expectations were shared, the shock resulted in vacancies occurring.
Hurt and anger on each side with both feeling betrayed, disappointed, taken advantage of, and let down. Clients or coworkers rarely voice “I don’t feel understood”—but it shows up in action, passive-aggressively or in outright change. The needed level of communication requires a built-in level of transparency and a shared vision. With all the time we spend working, being seen and truly feeling like an understood and accepted part of the team makes our lives far more enjoyable and our work an adventure rather than an ordeal.
If this is an issue for you, practice active/honest listening: not to respond, but to understand. Ask whatever questions come up. Take a risk. If someone doesn’t want to answer they will say so. They will, however, know you heard them and cared. Truly listening also allows you to feel the energy in the room and ask questions you may not have thought about if you were simply and quickly skimming the surface.
Asking meaningful, curiosity-based questions can change the conversation in ways neither of you saw coming. Simply and succinctly, we can mirror back what someone shares—not just the facts, but the feelings. “That must have been hard/fun/exciting.” whatever is appropriate. In addition, you get to know them not just as the employee or customer.
In a world of automation and disconnection, and much of my life these past few years has been on Zoom, understanding who I am speaking with becomes the greatest differentiator. It allows people to feel seen, not sized up. It truly is a brand-new cultural expectation in a world of disconnect.
Take time to reflect: where in your work, leadership, or relationships, even long-term relationships, are you assuming instead of understanding? As we get older, we become more and more aware that relationships are the most valuable commodity we have. Treat yours accordingly.
