I learned that so many folks such as coaches, advisors, consultants, physicians, even team leaders, do not see themselves as leaders as such but simply as advisors who offer options/expectations for greater success, joy, productivity, whatever. What a misunderstanding of the word “leader.” If anything in your position calls you to lead another to a different state of mind or a different outcome, you are leading them to the next level. Thus, you are a leader.
Most leaders expect to work at impacting behavior.
To focus on habits. To educate.
To track performance.
To motivate change.
And yet so often nothing truly shifts. Because behavior is rarely the problem. It’s the protection. Changing the stories people tell themselves. Changing the beliefs of who they are and of what’s possible. As a coach. I have supported leaders with all the pragmatic advice needed. They learned the process but, for some, they could not fully implement it because they “knew” in advance it wouldn’t work, that what we addressed really wasn’t the problem, etc. etc. Without being conscious of it, they were terrified of failing and of change. They wanted their life to change but not their stories or themselves.
Behind every pattern that frustrates you in supporting others is something far more human.
A fear of being exposed
A defense built long before this dream – before you.
A persona that once ensured belonging, safety, or success.
Their resistance isn’t out of defiance. It’s loyalty-to an old story about what keeps someone safe. When we don’t understand this, we push harder. We persuade, correct, advise, and sometimes exhaust ourselves.
But when we do understand it, something changes. We stop trying to move people and instead, we meet what’s holding them in place. Growth doesn’t happen when fear is challenged head-on.
It happens when fear is recognized and the old story is seen – and no longer needs to hide.
This is the quiet work beneath the visible work. And it’s where real transformation begins – on ourselves as well as others.
