The cost of hiding behind competence.
Power can be the most elegant disguise for loneliness. So many I have spoken to, surrounded by many admirers as well as family, are so immensely lonely, yet don’t always allow themselves to see that. “This is life.” “Life isn’t a fairytale.” No matter how we need to phrase it or understand it, loneliness is such a sad place to be. It’s also not something we talk about and certainly not amongst successful people who have an image to maintain.
The world applauds your performance – but who witnesses your truth? Who is it, if anyone, that you can confide in? If there were someone, would you even allow them to see all those parts of you? I have seen clients who believe no one would understand, not even their spouse. Perhaps because he or she hasn’t seen the real you in a very long time. Are you willing to risk? Are you willing to bring in someone you can begin to remember the real you with or expose who you are to? It means letting down all the masks, defenses, and illusions that perhaps you and they have been living under.
Many leaders live in split identities: the public self and the quiet ache. The “public” can be everyone in their life, strangers as well as friends and family. It all depends upon their fear of exposure as well as a belief that others “need” them to be a certain way. They don’t. Those who truly choose to be in your life will learn so much more from you if all the roles and titles you carry can be dropped. They can respect your achievements, including those titles, yet want to be with who you are without them.
Too many clients have believed they needed to be a certain way. That they needed to carry everyone, adult children, spouses, parents, in-laws, and more. No! You don’t! Teaching dependency, teaching others you will carry them is far different than them knowing you’ve got their back. Teaching employees you have all the answers and can ultimately handle all the issues yourself, never allows them to grow or become fully invested in carrying it with you. Allow them to grow. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should!
Allowing grown children to know you can’t afford that $100,000 dollar wedding you once thought you could, doesn’t mean you failed. It means you are teaching them to deal with reality and that you are an amazing parent. Teaching your spouse or friend you need to be supported on occasion, emotionally, spiritually, or physically, allows them the chance for greater intimacy with who you really are. It allows them to feel powerful and competent as well. In addition, the connection is deepened, and the marriage or friendship is strengthened. The two of you are more fully in it.
Wholeness and healing begin when you let the human lead the title, not the other way around. A title – any title – displays success, it doesn’t display you. There’s a huge difference.
Reflection Prompt: “What part of me have I kept offstage to stay respected?”
I’m here if you need to take this further, drop a line and let’s talk…
